Jordan Ames (00:00)
Many people struggle to grasp that dying to self is the greatest way to transform your life for good. In this video, I'm going to show you why that is true and give you a few ways that you can begin to change your habits and increase your discipline of dying to self each day.
Jordan Ames (00:22)
Last week a friend of mine texted me this question: How do you cultivate a balance between self-respect and dying to self? That's a valid question. In our world, we value having, right? Having self-respect. The opposite of having self-respect is having low respect for yourself or no respect.
Jordan Ames (00:50)
That's of course not good.
Jordan Ames (00:52)
We value having confidence in yourself, that's a good thing. We all should have a confidence in ourself, not consider ourselves worthless, right? Which is the opposite of having low or having confidence.
Jordan Ames (01:07)
With his question I assumed he thought that they were opposites, a dying to self and self respect were opposites.
Jordan Ames (01:18)
He asked how you cultivate a balance. So if we're going to balance two things, those two things need to be on either end of the spectrum.
Jordan Ames (01:29)
So assuming he thought that self-respect was on one end of the spectrum and dying to self was on the other end of the spectrum, where we should have both, right? Jesus tells us to die to self, which we'll get into here in a second. And then we should also have self-respect. So we should be figuring out how to balance those. But here's a secret I want you to know.
Jordan Ames (01:52)
Dying to self and self respect are not at all opposites.
Jordan Ames (01:59)
They are in fact equals.
Jordan Ames (02:02)
And in this context, I want to use self-love and self-respect as the same. You cannot have one without the other. So if you truly do love yourself, then you naturally are going to respect yourself. And if you are respecting yourself, well, then that's going to drive you to love yourself.
Jordan Ames (02:28)
Some of you are thinking right now in the context of love as the world defines it. Well, you can't define it that way because that's just not true. It's a false definition of love. We must think of love as the way God defines it. I'm not going to get into what that definition is, but we do know from 1 John 4.8 and a few other verses in scripture that God is love.
Jordan Ames (02:58)
So we have to say things that are godly are things that involve love.
Jordan Ames (03:03)
Now I want to read to you the reply I sent him.
Jordan Ames (03:07)
I said dying to self is the greatest form of self-love and self-respect. Dying to self is freeing and is the greatest form of giving. What good, healthy relationship do you know where each party is more concerned with their own desires above the others? None. There's no good relationship where that's the case. We can only get all of God.
Jordan Ames (03:35)
When we we release all of us and having all of God is the only way that we can be all He created us to be.
Jordan Ames (03:47)
And if we're being all that he created us to be.
Jordan Ames (03:50)
Then we have the greatest form of respect, confidence, and certainly self love.
Jordan Ames (03:57)
So first let's define what the whole idea of dying to self really means. I'm going to read out of Matthew chapter 16, starting with verse 24. And this passage I'm going to read is also recorded in Mark 8 and Luke 9.
Jordan Ames (04:14)
Then Jesus said to his disciples, If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?
Jordan Ames (04:44)
For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father's glory and with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what he has done. I tell you the truth, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom.
Jordan Ames (05:02)
So this passage is following Jesus' conversation and Jesus' rebuke of Peter calling him Satan, calling him the enemy, and telling him to get behind him because Peter didn't have the things of God on his heart and on his mind. And so he was making comments, even though he was trying to defend Jesus and saying, No, these bad things shouldn't happen to you, in a in a way that's like.
Jordan Ames (05:31)
Good encouragement if somebody's saying, Hey, no, those things weren't going to happen to you. But Jesus knew what his purpose was, he knew who he was, and he knew what is who what his father's will was. And that wasn't on Peter's mind. So Jesus rebukes him. And then verse 24, then Jesus said to his disciples, What I read. So that if we're going to follow him, we must deny ourselves. We must deny our own thinking.
Jordan Ames (06:01)
Our own aspirations. Like Peter's like, I don't want these bad things happening to you, Jesus. Well, Jesus knew those things had to happen. So he's teaching Peter, you must deny your ambitions, what you hope the future is going to be. You must deny those things if you're going to follow me. Because God's will for us is so much better for than our own.
Jordan Ames (06:27)
Bottom line is when we give up all of ourselves, we gain all he has for us.
Jordan Ames (06:35)
Right in verse 25, for whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. Romans 8 17, Paul writes that we are co-heirs with Christ. So when we give up our lives for him, what we get in return is his in his inheritance.
Jordan Ames (07:03)
All of heaven is Christ's inheritance. Jesus as God's son inherits God's kingdom. Right? Just like in an earthly family, children might inherit their parents' estate, their property. Jesus inherits God's kingdom. And Paul tells us in Romans 8:17 that we are co heirs with Christ. We're adopted sons and daughters of God. We're not there's only one
Jordan Ames (07:32)
begotten son of God, but as adopted sons and daughters, we're co-heirs. We share in that inheritance. That's pretty powerful to think about. And hopefully in that context, the whole idea of dying to self doesn't sound too bad now. And certainly if that's the end result.
Jordan Ames (07:53)
If we gain all of that, isn't that truly the greatest way for us to love ourselves?
Jordan Ames (08:00)
is to put off these worldly self-gratifications, knowing that when we just focus in his will, we seek his kingdom first, that we're going to gain all of heaven as our inheritance.
Jordan Ames (08:16)
I love how Dave Ramsey
Jordan Ames (08:20)
provides his momentum theorem.
Jordan Ames (08:23)
So he puts it in a mathematical equation. He says, when focused energy over time, you multiply that. That's that's our hard work, our commitment, our efforts over time, multiply that by big G God, it equals our momentum. And then he says this.
Jordan Ames (08:50)
He learned in math class that whenever there is an infinite on one side of the equation, the other side of the equation also has to be infinite. So he has big G God on one side, which means our momentum on the other side is infinite. That's the equation when we truly deny self and we walk in God's will for us. However,
Jordan Ames (09:15)
When we do not deny ourselves, when we want to walk in our own will, let's take that equation and take away the big G for God and put in a little S for ourself. Now we just replaced an infinite variable with a very much a finite variable. So what does that do to the momentum on the other side of the equation? Well, it makes it finite.
Jordan Ames (09:42)
It restricts it.
Jordan Ames (09:44)
Again, if you knew that you were going to restrict somebody's potential.
Jordan Ames (09:49)
Is that an act of love? Do you respect them?
Jordan Ames (09:53)
If you're going to move forward and restrict their potential? No, of course not. You're only going to do that if you dislike something about them, if you hate them, if you disrespect them. Then you're gonna wanna step in and and you don't wanna see them do as well as they're going to do.
Jordan Ames (10:10)
But if we truly want for ourselves and for others to have an unlimited potential in life.
Jordan Ames (10:18)
To serve, to enjoy life. John says in or Jesus says in John ten ten that he has come to give us life and life abundant. If we want that for ourselves and for those around us.
Jordan Ames (10:31)
It's because we respect and we love those around us. That love is going to drive us to want that type of life for somebody.
Jordan Ames (10:41)
And so for us to gain that from God, the foundational thing, the first thing we must do is die to self. So again, dying to self and self-respect are not opposites, they're equals.
Jordan Ames (10:57)
So Jesus said in Matthew 16, 24, if anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. So if we are going to follow him, we have to deny self. We have to die to self. So what does it mean then to follow him?
Jordan Ames (11:19)
Well, if we're following him, then that has to mean he's leading us somewhere, right? That implies some sort of he's going before us and we're moving behind him, following him.
Jordan Ames (11:30)
But it's not just a relationship where he's walking ahead of us and we're behind him.
Jordan Ames (11:35)
He wants
Jordan Ames (11:37)
So much more intimacy with us in relationship with him.
Jordan Ames (11:41)
I think it's more of he wants to put our his arm around our shoulder and point in the direction that he wants us to go. And then for us to start taking steps of action and trusting him in that direction. Yes, there are some times when our faith is weak. Maybe when we just have some unbelief and we're lacking that trust and we're we're really asking him to.
Jordan Ames (12:09)
To be out in front and us to walk behind him. And the military, when we when we did training to get through a minefield, the breachers would come out and they'd throw a huge charge across this minefield to clear a path of mines so that we could walk through it. But you had to walk on that path. Otherwise, you could step on a mine outside that path. You had to walk single file.
Jordan Ames (12:40)
So sometimes that's that's what we want from God. We j look, look, God, I don't wanna have to think about it. I don't have to try hard. I don't wanna have to put too much trust in you. I just wanna follow behind you. But I think so much he wants that close relationship with us. again, we're supposed to be co-heirs of the kingdom of heaven.
Jordan Ames (13:01)
That tells me he he wants us as family. He wants to work closely with us.
Jordan Ames (13:08)
And so I think the the follow him is more of like I mentioned in the illustration of him putting his arm on our shoulders and pointing in the direction he wants us to go. And us trusting him so much that we're willing to start taking steps and lead others in that direction. Lead others who may have a weak faith. Lead others who may not trust or see.
Jordan Ames (13:35)
in that direction. We own the risk. We're taking the first steps into that minefield. And others are following behind us.
Jordan Ames (13:45)
Now, why would we ever even want to follow him? we have to deny self. That sounds terrible. Hopefully, by now in this video, you understand that's not a bad thing. That's a great thing. But he wants us to not to deny self. He wants us to take up our cross. So endure some hardships.
Jordan Ames (14:06)
And he wants us to follow him. why? What should drive us to follow him?
Jordan Ames (14:12)
Well when we experience his goodness and his love and the joy that comes with that, we start to understand that there's nothing better than to follow him.
Jordan Ames (14:26)
But in our fallen world, for the goodness of God to be realized, we must be exposed to the opposite of the goodness of God.
Jordan Ames (14:38)
Really, how can you define what is good if you don't know what is bad? How can you define love if you don't wanna know what hate looks like or feels like?
Jordan Ames (14:50)
How can you define God and his character if we don't know what evil and Satan's character looks like?
Jordan Ames (15:00)
How can we know strength if we don't know weakness?
Jordan Ames (15:03)
See all these things, evil and hate and weakness, all terrible things.
Jordan Ames (15:10)
But they must exist. They must exist if we're going to truly learn and understand who God is.
Jordan Ames (15:17)
If there was no spiritual enemy giving us another option other than God, how can we truly love God?
Jordan Ames (15:28)
If there's no option, then we have no choice. And if there's no choice, then the whole definition of love falls through. It's not love. Call it something else, but it's not love.
Jordan Ames (15:41)
I think that was the whole point of God allowing the serpent to approach Eve in the Garden of Eden.
Jordan Ames (15:47)
She had to be given a choice if she was going to love God. Same with Adam and same with all of us ever since. We have to be given a choice. And to be given a choice, there has to be an option to hate, to do evil.
Jordan Ames (16:07)
Evil is easy. Love is hard. It takes no effort to hate someone, but to truly love someone and put them before yourself takes daily effort.
Jordan Ames (16:22)
And today's effort in doing that cannot stand in place for tomorrow's effort. Tomorrow has to have its own effort.
Jordan Ames (16:31)
A good, healthy relationship is when each person submits themselves for the betterment of the other. What does that take? Well, it takes denying or dying to self.
Jordan Ames (16:48)
Jesus modeled this and he invites us to experience his overwhelming joy and goodness.
Jordan Ames (16:54)
If you want that and anyone that truly loves and respects themselves wants that, then the only way to receive it is by dying to self.
Jordan Ames (17:05)
Now I want share a few ways to practice this, to make dying to self, denying self a part of your life. Now again, Jesus said that we must do it daily. He said that specifically in Luke, that it's a daily effort.
Jordan Ames (17:25)
Just a rec recent example of a failure for me where I didn't deny self I shared in last week's video. It was I won't take time explaining it. You can watch the video.
Jordan Ames (17:39)
But video is titled When You're Your Own Opposition, when you truly stand in the way, even if it's a direction God's calling you, when you stand in the way and where your failure inhibits what your heart and what your intentions were.
Jordan Ames (17:58)
So we can have a good heart, good intentions, but that doesn't equal good strategy and good execution. And if I would have remembered to deny self and make sure I set aside any sort of selfish ambitions, there would have been things that I would have been able to do to prevent that failure.
Jordan Ames (18:22)
So please watch that video. And hopefully you can understand one, that failure isn't final, and two, that by taking steps now, you can start preventing making those mistakes in the future. Another way to practice denying self is speaking the love language of the others. So think of your relationship with a spouse or with children.
Jordan Ames (18:47)
You need to know their love language if you're going to speak it. And I think that's where a lot of people, especially within family, can have tension that doesn't need to be there. It's because one, they either don't know the love language of the people in the family, or they're not intentionally speaking it. If your spouse has a different love language than you do, you may know that.
Jordan Ames (19:14)
But you're going to speak your love language because that's what's going to come naturally. So by denying self, by denying that that's how you love and that's all you're going to do, that's all that's the only way you're going to speak it through your behaviors, verbal, nonverbal, while denying that and start thinking about how the other person receives love and speaks love, you're going to create a much better and stronger relationship.
Jordan Ames (19:44)
So you certainly need to know the five love languages. I would also encourage you to understand the other person's communication and behavior styles. I'm a disc consultant with the Maxwell method of DISC, and DISC is a great way to assess how you communicate and behave. We're all made differently, very uniquely by our creator, and we're each going to communicate and behave a little different.
Jordan Ames (20:13)
But marrying that up with understanding the five love languages will help you truly to understand where your spouse or your children or others in your life understand what their style is and it'll help you to, again, if you're practicing to deny self, you'll be focused on speaking their language rather than your own. You'll be focused on behaving the way that they can receive it.
Jordan Ames (20:42)
Rather than just what comes naturally to you.
Jordan Ames (20:45)
It's an intentional effort. But as I said earlier, evil is easy. Love is hard. Love is action. Love takes effort.
Jordan Ames (20:58)
Another way to practice denying self, consider just some of your own selfish ambitions. Maybe your, you know, financial goals to make money. Maybe certain success goals, whatever, however you define success. Maybe some hobbies that you have. All these things are good. Again, Jesus wants us to live life and life abundantly. To some of us, that's an accumulation of wealth, and the Lord's gonna bless that. Some of us, it is
Jordan Ames (21:28)
Other measures of success.
Jordan Ames (21:30)
But the problem lies when we put that as the actual end game, the end state. if I just had this much money, well then I can do this, have this, serve in this way. And then we put all our efforts towards that and we miss the things that are most important.
Jordan Ames (21:55)
So what we need to do is we need to think about
Jordan Ames (21:58)
what our selfish a ambitions are, and are they self serving? Like I truly only gratifying myself, or do those ambitions actually serve others? I'll give you an example for myself. I've had ambitions to grow a very profitable business. And at the same time I've been leading a counter trafficking mission in East Africa.
Jordan Ames (22:25)
Well, I've had that mission on maintenance mode for quite a while as I try to gain gain profit with a business. And the Lord's been growing me and working working in me. There's nothing wrong with me trying to build a business and serve him in that way and gain the profit with it. But
Jordan Ames (22:48)
I know I've been focused more on that profit because I know how much it'll serve me rather than on things that are serving others. And he's really working on me and showing me how much serving others relies on us trusting him to somehow return back to us that investment that we put in others.
Jordan Ames (23:13)
And he always will. It's not going to be how we think it will be, but arguably in the long run, it's always going to be so much better. And that's a trust thing.
Jordan Ames (23:27)
If you define what better looks like by God's standards and not the world, you will know and see that it's truly better. There's a joy that will come that can't be replaced by your own worldly success.
Jordan Ames (23:47)
So I encourage you, whatever your selfish ambitions are, stop taking audit of them and just ask yourself, is this self-serving or is this others serving? And don't manipulate it to say, well, because I'm doing this whatever business.
Jordan Ames (24:07)
I'm serving others. So therefore it's other serving. Well, no, not necessarily. Not if your sole focus is what you can gain out of it. The focus should be what you can give with your time, talents, and resources, understanding that God is the provider and he will give you a return on that investment, but he just wants you to focus on giving. He will give it back to you.
Jordan Ames (24:36)
Much more than you could possibly imagine.
Jordan Ames (24:38)
I'll give you one more example. How can we deny self with time? How do you spend your time?
Jordan Ames (24:47)
You spend it as if it was infinite, there's an infinite amount, or do you spend it as a treasured gift from God, acknowledging that time is our most precious commodity? It is finite, and you are not guaranteed tomorrow. Because that second way of defining time is the truth. Yet, how many of us spend time
Jordan Ames (25:17)
As if we have an infinite amount of it. We don't.
Jordan Ames (25:20)
Are you able to detach from work? Are you able to sit and reflect on lessons learned from the day? That's how much you can maximize and even multiply your time. Because those lessons, those insights are going to save you time and energy in the future whenever you learn them and gain wisdom. Proverbs, the book of Proverbs has throughout the book many.
Jordan Ames (25:50)
mentions of how much more valuable wisdom and knowledge is than silver and gold.
Jordan Ames (25:57)
And the only way we can acquire more wisdom and knowledge is one by taking the time to learn, to reflect, to grow, to get around people that are smarter than us, that are wiser than us, and certainly to spend time with the people that love us the most and who we love the most.
Jordan Ames (26:22)
Are you committing face to face time each day with those you love?
Jordan Ames (26:29)
Unfortunately, in our world today, despite all the ways to connect, connect online, the innovations in transportation that kinda make the world much smaller.
Jordan Ames (26:40)
There is a serious problem with isolation. I was looking on some statistics before this video, the different, you know, research that has been done. And the US Department of Health and Human Services calls isolation a major concern.
Jordan Ames (27:01)
Suicide rates are rising.
Jordan Ames (27:04)
There's so many ways to connect online, yet people don't feel the closeness.
Jordan Ames (27:10)
And I love what technology provides. It gives me an opportunity to share this lesson with you.
Jordan Ames (27:15)
We can only really connect closely with somebody, intimately with somebody and face to face.
Jordan Ames (27:22)
So are you taking the time to do that, to grow yourself in that way, and to invest in others in that way? Prioritize time with loved ones, not chasing something that you will think will gratify you.
Jordan Ames (27:37)
If this topic is something that you've struggled with, I hope this video has helped you. Please leave a comment below, or you can email me at Jordan at redletterleadership dot com and I'd love to hear how this has impacted you. But most of all, commit now to picking at least one way that you can die to self today and show God love by how you love someone else.
Jordan Ames (28:05)
This topic is foundational to leading yourself. One of the four areas of leadership that Jesus taught us and that we learn in the book, Red Letter Leadership, Leadership Lessons from the Life of Christ, is the idea of leading ourselves. It's an area that any sort of leadership journey we want to take needs to start there. And when we start in that area leading yourself, the first place to start.
Jordan Ames (28:34)
Is how we deny self, what it looks like to deny self. If you don't have a copy of that book, I'll drop a link in the description to this video. Bye for now.
